The certainty of death....

So today, my blog is taking a slightly different path. This is less issue related, and more towards a generalist opinion of a somewhat challenging subject. I say 'challenging' because for me this issue is generally the thing that I deal with and examine each and everyday, but the thing which has bounded up to see me this week, is that I do so perhaps with blinders on. I am talking of course about the universally certainty of death and dying. Death has provided foder and fear of societies since the beginning of our understanding of self. All individuals inherently fear and percieve death in some way, shape or form. However, in order to continue to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings, our brain is
able to displace these fears and concerns, and until we are 'forced' to
percieve our mortality we simply engage in the ignorance is bliss model.
So why am I talking about this? Well, as I alluded too, I am in a unique
and privaledged space where I am able to speak with people about death
and facing their mortality each and every day. I discuss how people will
die, what happens to their brains and their families as this time approaches, and occasionally I am almost helpful to people who are experiencing what can only be described as a 'hell' of acute grief. I read alot about death and the culture of death, I have a morbid
curisoity about death rituals and I advocate very openly with people to
talk about death.

Thankfully (I remain somewhat superstitious about this) I have not
experienced the death of anyone close to me as an adult. I have had friends die, and I have been surrounded by death consistently for the past 5 years. This has resulted in my attendance at more funerals, of
more designs and faiths that I am unable to recall, some of which filled
me with grief and those which filled me with anger. Each of these
funerals present the invariable challenge of examining my own mortality, and I am thankful for each moment of my day, everyday, which is a gift that I would not return. My world is filled with an urgency which I was unable to contemplate prior to engaging in this work. I am banging on
about this for a few reasons, one is that I like to bang on about stuff,
the other is that there is an expectation on myself (by myself and by others, or at least I percieve it to be so) to be good at grief, and talking with people about death and dying.

So when someone close to me lost a family member last week, I was very
confronted by my complete inadequecy to say anything remotley helpful,
or being able to make this better. Logically and in my rational mind, I
understand that there is nothing that helps people in this state. Research supports the idea that those who are grieving become emotionally like those who are aged between 5 and 8, and have the responses consistent with being this age. The only thing that I could do, was to make jokes (this seemed to help), but my urge to 'fix' this was tangible, and I was falling on the side of the coin where I wasn't
the expert, I was just a human engaging with another human who I care about. (I can see the face you are giving me, this should not be brain
science....).

This entry is more food for thought, because believe me, if you get me
talking about death I will bang on about it all day. I love the emotional intricacys of the world, and our finite time here. There is something quite 'magical', in the absence of a better word, about the death and dying process, and the emotional engagement and often disengagement which ensues. My challenge for the week is examining what you do in your everyday world, and the impact they have on others, particulary around the areas which are hard, gritty, and the stuff that our best evolutionary intincts make us want to run away from. I have been examining this week about the views that I was raised with about death and dying, and the thing which I have come up with, was that it wasnt something that you talk about. Ever. Because you might upset
someone. It has become very obvious to me, that the way of death I was
raised with was probably a) a little unhelpful, b) completley revised in
adulthood and c) not the way that many families and cultures do it, and
I think I have alot to learn about this.

So, a diversion from my normal tact, next week, I am taking on Gay
Marriage. You may be surprised.


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